You, lonely single women who have not found the right man and are constantly told that you must compromise or are on the verge jumping ahead just to end your loneliness, please read on my story. This is what I wrote during the intial stages of our married life when the compromise I had made out of my loneliness and after heeding parently and friendly advice to compromise and stop looking for what I wanted or rather I needed, had begun to cost me my happiness and my love for life. It became an even bigger void than the loneliness that I lived in. Please remember that only each one knows what is best for her. Anyways here’s the blog which I had published then on http://beingmarriedtoaniceguy.blogspot.com , my old blog which I have discontinued.
“Is he the man? “, I sometimes confusedly watch him sitting in the front seat of the car while he drives. I cannot believe my eyes. What happened to all the men that I knew and thought of as a prospective possibility? What happened to all the dreams and expectations that I had? I ask myself. Then, I turn to him and fool myself and him saying “You’re my gift”. He is smitten enough and responds candidly saying “I love you”. I feel sorry for him. I tell myself that he is my gift because I did not really choose him.
I met him when I had already spent two and half years living on my own in a city where I had nobody and had come looking for a job. I did manage to find the job that I wanted and lived totally on my own as dreamt of. I did make a few friends but this could not wane my loneliness as they had their own lives. As the days passed, my standard of living elevated with increased finances and so did my loneliness in a ten-fold proportion. I could afford for myself much more than before, but I still hated my lifestyle more than ever. I would go back to empty walls and the pangs of loneliness would suffocate me. I became so vulnerable to any body who showed a streak of affection that took a strong will not let the wrong men to take advantage of me. I wanted somebody to call my own. But I did not think of having a man because I believed if I had a man, I had to fall in love and get married. The concept of an arranged marriage did not appeal to me. And, I had grown too cautious, skeptical and cynical to fall in love again after my previous relationship and my experience of living alone. So I thought of having a child instead, through artificial insemination. Adoption did not appeal because I wanted my child to be my own flesh and blood. I would lay in my bed dreaming of my child. I would dream of taking my child for long drives and for picnics. I would dream that my child would share my passion for travelling and that we would go places together. I did not decide that I would not marry, I would marry as and when my man would come along.
I told my mother that I would like to have a child in the following calendar year. There was a lot of melodrama and emotional blackmail from her side. She even threatened that she would have a heart attack. I understand that the previous generation cannot accept our ideas. But I am really amazed at their empty and futile confidence in deciding what can really make us happy. I am flabbergasted by the way that they do not let us live our own lives by continually blackmailing us by telling that they have seen more of life and know more than us and they sacrificed everything for us and that this is the way we hurt them now. I fell for all this blackmail. I convinced myself that if I find any man who was of a decent character, pleasant nature with a suitable age difference and if he liked me for what I am and if we were comfortable and compatible with each other, I would marry him. After all, my mom had made some compromises for me. I was convinced that I would have to make some for her in return. I asked my mom to look for proposals. I was soon on sale. Everyone whom she met or knew was asked to look for a “nice” boy for me. Most of these prosposals did not work out either because the boys were not in Bangalore or were much older or different as chalk and cheese or their families had a problem with the marital separation of my parents.
As the proposals at home were not working out, as all sofware engineers in Bangalore do, I registered on various matrimonial websites. I saw a couple of profiles and corresponded with some people and even met them. But nothing clicked for umpteen reasons. Many men only wanted a girlfriend and were not interested in a commitment. Others wanted a housemaid for themselves and their parents. And, some were too imposing and dominating and all set to take the control of my life even though the extent of communication did not go beyond two or three mails. Nevertheless, I still kept trying and one day he expressed his interest in me through one of these websites. I was at the end of patience. I did not care even to see his photograph properly. I fixed the date and time to meet him.
I met him and he nearly spent the whole day with me. He was a lonely soul who needed company and was very comfortable in mine. But I am a person comfortable with myself and anybody who is with me feels comfortable. And, many mistake this as a go ahead signal. We met again the following weekend and he called me every day. He proposed marriage after 17 days. I accepted but told him that I still need some time to think about it. Three days later, I realised that he could not be the one for me and that it would be extremely hard to get my heart beating for him. However, he fitted my search criteria of decent character, pleasant nature with a suitable age difference and he liked me for what I am and we were comfortable and sort of compatible with each other. So, I told myself that as he is a “nice” guy and cares for me, I would grow to love him. Everybody told me that love will develop with time. But today, if look back, I only think that no amount of professional or logical advice can help. After all, only each one knows his or her heart’s desires.
I dated him for the next six months and we spent a lot of time together, I did not find any fault with him and he really loved me. He was a “nice” guy too in the eyes of my family. So I married him at the end of six months. For some time I fooled myself that I would love him. That hurt me and I subconsciously hurt him too with my words or indifference. It’s only recently that I have admitted to myself and him that I do not connect 100% to him. He accepted this very well. He is a “nice” guy. He has accepted all dark sides of me very well. Again, he is a “nice guy”.
I have now begun to accept the fact that I may or not connect with him in future. I have stopped fooling myself that I connect to him now, nor that am enjoying a sublime relationship with him. There’s nothing wrong with him. He is a “nice” guy. He does not drink nor smoke nor flirt. He has a stable job, helps a bit around the house, agrees to almost everything that I say and above all he loves me. But fate has it that I do not connect with him. My primary plans of having child have been postponed because I cannot give my child the insecurity of having her father near me, yet not connecting with him. I think that if I must ever leave him, I am going to have his child and give this child to him. A child was all that I always wanted, but he loves children. And I must do something to mend the broken heartedness that I am going to cause him if I leave him.
I have taskless day at office and I spend the whole day thinking one day I am going to be leaving and that I will find a love that is sublime and divine. I go home and he is watching TV. He pulls me his in lap as always and hold me tight. We then go shopping to a mall . It’s 10.30 in the night when are almost done. We are the last customers at the billing counter when I realise that I picked a wrong size top. I go back to the upper floors to change for the correct sized one. I delay to get back to the billing counter because more clothes entice me on the way. I reach back to the billing counter and he is not around. I look around and see him a few steps away frantic and worried. “Where were you?”, he scolds. We walk out and he put his arm around me and presses his cheek against mine and says “I was so scared”. And I must admit that I did feel sublime at least for that fraction of a second. “Can I leave him?”, is all that I ask myself. My thoughts of leaving him stray and I say “I love you” and give him a kiss.
