Today is exactly one year that I met my husband. Before we phyically met, we met on a matrimonial website. I remember he was there waiting for me, with so much hope in his eyes. I was the first girl that he was seeing through matrimonial websites or arranged matches. As for me, seeing and meeting guys through arranged matches or matrimonial websites had been routine and practical. Like any Indian girl in late twenties, I needed to get married as my folks were not very open to the single-woman idea and I entered into a wedlock with a man who is human and imperfect in many ways but the one who really cherishes me and loves me to the best of his knowledge. He did not measure up to everything that I wanted. ‘You must compromise on a few things’, was the parently and friendly advice in the air. ‘You will love him as time passes, after all love only grows with time’, a counsellor suggested. So, I compromised on a few things about him and went ahead and married him. Today, I realise that this compromise cost a deal of my happiness. The old vivacious bubbly me has to think think and think to recall when I was really happy last.
I am trying to love him. What else can I do? He is not my dream guy and I knew all along and yet I chose to marry him. I do not have enough reasons to leave him. Also, I am soon going to be the mother of his baby. I so often conveniently forget the fact that this is his baby too. My spinster aspirations of being a single mom have not strayed me. Morever, he is not my soul mate. The idea that I share my baby with him really frightens me. We think so differently and have opposite ideas when it comes to parenting.
I need to love him I know. I cannot leave him. Here are the reasons why I cannot leave even though I sometimes want to run away to Timbuctoo.
1. It is would be unfair to him as he has done nothing that can be possibly be enough a reason to leave him. I also believe that we all reap what we sow, so if I leave today, just because of my mistake in making a practical decision, tomorrow, I may be with someone I really love and he may treat me the same way.
2. He really loves me. Not the way that I would want to be loved, he does not woo me or bring home cards or flowers but he cares. If I leave him, can I find a better deal?
3. He loves our unborn baby whom we call Faith. But I am ready to part with Faith for our happiness. My happiness because I am not happy with him and his happiness because the baby will compensate a little for the void I create in him if I leave him. But is this wise?
I wake up this morning and ask him to say a prayer. We often pray together. He asks me to say it. But I would have liked to hear what he has to say. I try a trick and tell him that he is the head of our family. But, he teases back saying that I am his head. I finally have my say. “Mother Mary, Lord Jesus, thank you for bringing us together”, is all that he manages to say. I try to love him and kiss him all over. I am also trying to be happy. Then, we make love in the morning, but am I really involved? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I just get ready to go to work, leave and lose myself in the office.
