Parents And Children

Do parents really love their children? In country like ours, this statement can be a raging controversy. Not many, pause to think whether our parents really love us, because we assume that they do as everybody tells us that they do. In our society, we are brought up to believe that our parents love us rather than discover their love for us through their actions.

Let us begin with our childhood. In our society, child-beating is considered to be a disciplinary action. But what matters is that is that a small percentage of that beating is disciplinary while the larger proportion still remains a vent to the frustrations of a frustrated  parent. So many times, an innocent naughty action is followed by a string of verbal abuses which are utter disrespect for the child. These same parents who did not teach to respect by respecting their child in his/her childhood expect the child to respect them back in his/her adulthood. Also, “talking back” or “back answering” is considered to be a sacrilege. Doesn’t the child have the right to voice his/her opinions?

Moving to teenage, the child is told to be good, not to bunk classes and study. Most of the times, choice of a child’s profession is also influenced by the parents not really in the view of happiness of the child but rather in the view that they can boast to their relatives and friends about their child’s profession. Very few parents take their teenagers in confidence and try to understand their emotions. Most teenagers in India would be afraid to reveal to their parents that they even have a crush. No wonder so many teenagers are so lonely and resort to habits of wild partying, smoking, drinking, even drugs and sex to mask their emptiness. Teenagers are very insecure as their parents love them conditionally.

Finally, coming to adulthood, how many parents really let us decide completely about the choice of our life partner or even for that matter our marital status? So often, they define the parameters for us to be happy instead of trying to understand what could really make us happy. So often they impose on us what they believe is right instead of thinking that we are grown up and we can now decide for ourselves. So often, they threaten to disown us if we are not willing to live up to their standards. They generally have their way with us by telling how much they have sacrificed for us. A parent in every species sacrifices for its offspring. That is the way of life. And offspring pay back by sacrificing for their own offspring. This is a process in a foward direction and our parents need to understand that this process cannot take place in a reverse direction.

Nobody is perfect and it would a futile life if we focuss on the negativities of our parents. However, the negativities of our parents are an immense school where we learn our lessons to handle our own children. For me, the fundamental lessons to learn are:
1. Never make your child the victim of your own frustrations.

2. Respect your child, however little or ignorant he/she may be.

3. Regard your child’s opinion.

4. Do not define the parameters for your child to be happy.

5. Accept the parameters that your child defines for his/her happiness.

6. Do not over sacrifice or restraint your individual wishes for the sake of your child. When you overdo it, you force yourself against your wish and you subconsciously hold it against your child. This leads you to have more expectations from your child when he/she grows up.

7. Assure your child that your love is unconditional, even if you do not accept everything he/she does.

8. Do not overreact at unexpected actions of your children, if you do so, you will be unaware of the actions that follow.

9. When your child turns into an adult, treat him like one. You may give your suggestions, but do not decide for him/her.

10.Remember when it comes to your child, let love take over, not duty.

All of these fundamentals sound great, God I pray for strength to put these in practice when I turn into a parent.

Happy Birthday, my best friend…

Today is my best friend’s birthday. When I called her up yesterday, in a long time, she really sounded happy. I am so happy for her.

Our friendship began about 2 years and 9 months ago when I joined the organisation I was working in until the last two months. I did not think of it back then when we used to lunch together or take a walk together that it would lead to this strong a bond. We were so similar, that she seemed like my twin in this lonely universe. There’s almost nothing under the sun or perhaps even above it that we did not talk about. People would wonder what we had so much to talk that would never end. We discussed everything from romance to marriage to men, our dreams, our bad sides, our sorrows, our joys et al. We sobbed, cribbed, cried and also had fun times with each other. And, if we were of the opposite sex or lesbians we would marry, I swear. From the bottom of my heart, I can say that, she’s been the friend, I had been looking for all my childhood and growing years and had never found. And, she came along when I had finally stopped looking for friends.

Each time, I considered leaving my previous organisation, I wondered how I would leave her. My husband thought of this as crazy, perhaps nobody except we two could understand. She was my guide and counsellor who  stood my me as a pilar of my strength. She is the only one who has seen me crumble during a bad pre-marital phase that I went through and tried her best to put my shattered pieces together. Things which no one would understand, only she would. Parting would not change our friendship, but meeting everyday and hearing each others hearts would not happen for us any longer. Finally, the day came when we parted and we tried to make it as composed as possible though each of us knew what was happening in the other’s mind. But I think what mostly helped to keep calm despite the turmoil within during this parting was the solid secure belief that we are friends and we will continue to be friends for life. Time and distance will change many things, but not that bond that we share within.

Today, on her birthday, I want to let her know how much she and our friendship means to me.

Girl, this one is specially for you…

Today, I want to you know,
That I miss all those times,
That we shared together.
Long lunch breaks…
Lazy afternoon strolls…
Secret conversations in the fire exit…
And our fun picnic in Hoggenakal…

Today, I want to tell you,
That there some things about us,
That bring a smile back to my face.
How we wished we were just two in the office picnic…
How we resented someone else’s company at lunch…
How we teased that guy outside the Forum mall…
How you came over at tea-time and ended staying for the night…

Today, I want to thank you,
For the times that you listened to me,
Understood me, seen my tears fall and dried them.
For the times in spent in those corridors just listening…
For all the times that you corrected me when I wronged…
For all those walks you me took on when I was sad…
For all those birthday gifts so thoughtfully chosen, to make me glad…

Today, I want to tell you a secret untold,
Did you know that you are the friend that I waited for?
All my childhood and growing years…
And that my friendship with you strengthens my weak belief,
That sooner or later dreams come true.
Today, I wish for you a beautiful world,
And all the happiness that your heart can hold.

Oh my li’l angel…

Three days ago, I nearly lost my baby. I had some spotting the previous night but did not really care for it. That evening I had planned a dinner with college friend and I began to bleed a little on the way. However, I did not indicate anything to her, I cooly finished my dinner and proceeded back home. By the time, I reached home, it was 10.00 pm. I called my husband and then called the gynaecologist who suggested that I need to get an immediate ultrasound. I understood from what he indicated that may be I had already lost the baby. I just prepared myself for the worse and remained as calm as possible.

My husband arrived back from work, much more nerved than I was and we started driving to the hospital where I normally consult. However, we reached after midnight and the radiology department was closed. We rushed to the next hospital. Fortunately, their radiology department was open.

I could not hold my calm anymore and began to cry in the waiting room of the ultrasound department. There was a patient being scanned after which I would be taken in. My husband was consoling me and saying all sorts of pleasant things and telling me that the baby must sucking his/her thumb etc. But I am a realistic person and all his efforts just went in vain. However, I cherish those tender moments that we shared that night. Perhaps, the old adage that children bring parents together is true.

I was then called in and the sensor was laid on me and I kept asking the doctor if the baby was ok while the poor medic hadn’t yet reached the uterus and was still scanning the liver and the spleen. He finally told us that the baby was fine and showed the scan with the baby actually sucking his/her thumb. We were joyed beyond words.

My baby is one of my fondest dreams come true and a dream that I would want to live. I have always believed the best part about being a woman is being a mother. My child is going to be my contribution to the world and I am going to have an important part in making my child a good contribution or a bad one. Children are legacy that you leave behind. I have always wanted to be mother and am waiting to live that dream.

There’s to you, my angel…

Oh tiny heart beating inside me,
Did you know that you are the joy of my soul?
That your tiny feet kicking inside me,
Make my heart delight, my make life whole.

You are my spring in life’s winter,
You are the dawn in the dark night,
In you, my soul resposes and takes shelter,
Because you are the prize after the fight.

My life’s battle has been a tough and an icy one,
And as I fought it, many of my dreams died in there.
As I walked midst their corpses,crying tears a ton.
I found one living dream, fate chose to be fair.

This dream brought to my soul, hope’s bright gleams,
And restored the meaning to live, to be alive.
Oh my source of sanity midst the pain of dead dreams,
You are that living dream that I want to live.
 

From Rains To Traffic Jams

It is incredibly fast how we grew up. I still remember myself as  little girl going to school in the rain with a bag on my shoulders and red gum boots on my feet. I hail from Goa, it’s a small state on the western coast of India, where I grew. It has three seasons, warm summer, monsoons and the cooler summer(though it is called as winter but the temperature seldom gets below 20 deg celsius). I love the monsoons because I love the rain. The smell of parched earth and the sound of the falling rain stir magic in my soul.

The monsoon season in Goa begins in June and extends till the end of September, with peak rainfall in July. Our academic year too, began in June. It is was fun getting wet in the rains on my way to or back from school. Sometimes, we would have a holiday because it has rained too heavily. After school, I would reach home around 2.00 pm. My grandmother stayed with us and if I was too wet, she would, give me a warm water shower before I could get down to eating lunch. I would sleepily eat my lunch and then have an afternoon siesta. After that, it would be homework time and once that was done it would be a time for making paper boats and throwing them through the window in those little streams of water in our garden.

Gone are those days… when everything was lovely, life was a fairytale. I grew up from a little school girl to a teen. Then, went to college and graduated. But I still believed in magic and of course believed that I would find my eternal love and live happily ever after. However, a few encounters with various people and circumstances taught me otherwise and today, I have grown into hard core practical women who is afraid to believe in anything lovely for the fear of being disillusioned.

It amazing how life turned 180 degrees when I left my home for a job and came to Bangalore, a city of just materialism and nothing more. A city where people value you by the brand label on your clothes. And a city that gives all the big luxuries of life, but denies you the simple pleasures of peace, fresh air and silence. Oh God, my quest for a good career  changed my entire life. And if you have a glimpse of an usual day in my life today, it is just a sequence of the following events
1. Wake up in the morning, get ready to go to work.
2. Get the breakfast ready, swallow it while brushing my hair.
3. Go to work, get stuck in the traffic jam.
4. Reach office, work.
5. Go home, get stuck in the traffic jam.
6. Reach home, rest a while and get the dinner ready.

On weekends, rest a little, spend time with my husband, go to church, go grocery shopping, sometimes go to a dinner or a movie.

If rain in my life has been replaced by traffic jams, is it any wonder if the loveliness is replaced by mundaneness?

Lonely single women, would you rather be here?

You, lonely single women who have not found the right man and are constantly told that you must compromise or are on the verge jumping ahead just to end your loneliness, please read on my story.  This is what I wrote during the intial stages of our married life when the compromise I had made out of my loneliness and after heeding parently and friendly advice to compromise and stop looking for what I wanted or rather I needed,  had begun to cost me my happiness and my love for life. It became an even bigger void than the loneliness that I lived in.  Please remember that only each one knows what is best for her.  Anyways here’s the blog which I had published then on http://beingmarriedtoaniceguy.blogspot.com , my old blog which I have discontinued.

“Is he the man? “, I sometimes confusedly watch him sitting in the front seat of the car while he drives. I cannot believe my eyes. What happened to all the men that I knew and thought of as a prospective possibility? What happened to all the dreams and expectations that I had? I ask myself. Then, I turn to him and fool myself and him saying “You’re my gift”. He is smitten enough and responds candidly saying “I love you”. I feel sorry for him. I tell myself that he is my gift because I did not really choose him.

I met him when I had already spent two and half years living on my own in a city where I had nobody and had come looking for a job. I did manage to find the job that I wanted and lived totally on my own as dreamt of. I did make a few friends but this could not wane my loneliness as they had their own lives. As the days passed, my standard of living elevated with increased finances and so did my loneliness in a ten-fold proportion. I could afford for myself much more than before, but I still hated my lifestyle more than ever. I would go back to empty walls and the pangs of loneliness would suffocate me. I became so vulnerable to any body who showed a streak of affection that took a strong will not let the wrong men to take advantage of me. I wanted somebody to call my own. But I did not think of having a man because I believed if I had a man, I had to fall in love and get married. The concept of an arranged marriage did not appeal to me. And, I had grown too cautious, skeptical and cynical to fall in love again after my previous relationship and my experience of living alone. So I thought of having a child instead, through artificial insemination. Adoption did not appeal because I wanted my child to be my own flesh and blood. I would lay in my bed dreaming of my child. I would dream of taking my child for long drives and for picnics. I would dream that my child would share my passion for travelling and that we would go places together. I did not decide that I would not marry, I would marry as and when my man would come along.

I told my mother that I would like to have a child in the following calendar year. There was a lot of melodrama and emotional blackmail from her side. She even threatened that she would have a heart attack. I understand that the previous generation cannot accept our ideas. But I am really amazed at their empty and futile confidence in deciding what can really make us happy. I am flabbergasted by the way that they do not let us live our own lives by continually blackmailing us by telling that they have seen more of life and know more than us and they sacrificed everything for us and that this is the way we hurt them now. I fell for all this blackmail. I convinced myself that if I find any man who was of a decent character, pleasant nature with a suitable age difference and if he liked me for what I am and if we were comfortable and compatible with each other, I would marry him. After all, my mom had made some compromises for me. I was convinced that I would have to make some for her in return. I asked my mom to look for proposals. I was soon on sale. Everyone whom she met or knew was asked to look for a “nice” boy for me. Most of these prosposals did not work out either because the boys were not in Bangalore or were much older or different as chalk and cheese or their families had a problem with the marital separation of my parents.

As the proposals at home were not working out, as all sofware engineers in Bangalore do, I registered on various matrimonial websites. I saw a couple of profiles and corresponded with some people and even met them. But nothing clicked for umpteen reasons. Many men only wanted a girlfriend and were not interested in a commitment. Others wanted a housemaid for themselves and their parents. And, some were too imposing and dominating and all set to take the control of my life even though the extent of communication did not go beyond two or three mails. Nevertheless, I still kept trying and one day he expressed his interest in me through one of these websites. I was at the end of patience. I did not care even to see his photograph properly. I fixed the date and time to meet him.

I met him and he nearly spent the whole day with me. He was a lonely soul who needed company and was very comfortable in mine. But I am a person comfortable with myself and anybody who is with me feels comfortable. And, many mistake this as a go ahead signal. We met again the following weekend and he called me every day. He proposed marriage after 17 days. I accepted but told him that I still need some time to think about it. Three days later, I realised that he could not be the one for me and that it would be extremely hard to get my heart beating for him. However, he fitted my search criteria of decent character, pleasant nature with a suitable age difference and he liked me for what I am and we were comfortable and sort of compatible with each other. So, I told myself that as he is a “nice” guy and cares for me, I would grow to love him. Everybody told me that love will develop with time. But today, if look back, I only think that no amount of professional or logical advice can help. After all, only each one knows his or her heart’s desires.

I dated him for the next six months and we spent a lot of time together, I did not find any fault with him and he really loved me. He was a “nice” guy too in the eyes of my family. So I married him at the end of six months. For some time I fooled myself that I would love him. That hurt me and I subconsciously hurt him too with my words or indifference. It’s only recently that I have admitted to myself and him that I do not connect 100% to him. He accepted this very well. He is a “nice” guy. He has accepted all dark sides of me very well. Again, he is a “nice guy”.

I have now begun to accept the fact that I may or not connect with him in future. I have stopped fooling myself that I connect to him now, nor that am enjoying a sublime relationship with him. There’s nothing wrong with him. He is a “nice” guy. He does not drink nor smoke nor flirt. He has a stable job, helps a bit around the house, agrees to almost everything that I say and above all he loves me. But fate has it that I do not connect with him. My primary plans of having child have been postponed because I cannot give my child the insecurity of having her father near me, yet not connecting with him. I think that if I must ever leave him, I am going to have his child and give this child to him. A child was all that I always wanted, but he loves children. And I must do something to mend the broken heartedness that I am going to cause him if I leave him.

I have taskless day at office and I spend the whole day thinking one day I am going to be leaving and that I will find a love that is sublime and divine. I go home and he is watching TV. He pulls me his in lap as always and hold me tight. We then go shopping to a mall . It’s 10.30 in the night when are almost done. We are the last customers at the billing counter when I realise that I picked a wrong size top. I go back to the upper floors to change for the correct sized one. I delay to get back to the billing counter because more clothes entice me on the way. I reach back to the billing counter and he is not around. I look around and see him a few steps away frantic and worried. “Where were you?”, he scolds. We walk out and he put his arm around me and presses his cheek against mine and says “I was so scared”. And I must admit that I did feel sublime at least for that fraction of a second. “Can I leave him?”, is all that I ask myself. My thoughts of leaving him stray and I say “I love you” and give him a kiss.

Our First Anniversary

Today is exactly one year that I met my husband. Before we phyically met, we met on a matrimonial website. I remember he was there waiting for me, with so much hope in his eyes. I was the first girl that he was seeing through matrimonial websites or arranged matches. As for me, seeing and meeting guys through arranged matches or matrimonial websites had been routine and practical. Like any Indian girl in late twenties, I needed to get married as my folks were not very open to the single-woman idea and I entered into a wedlock with a man who is human and imperfect in many ways but the one who really cherishes me and loves me to the best of his knowledge. He did not measure up to everything that I wanted. ‘You must compromise on a few things’, was the parently and friendly advice in the air. ‘You will love him as time passes, after all love only grows with time’,  a counsellor suggested.  So, I compromised on a few things about him and went ahead and married him. Today, I realise that this compromise cost a deal of my happiness. The old vivacious bubbly me has to think think and think to recall when I was really happy last.

I am trying to love him. What else can I do? He is not my dream guy and I knew all along and yet I chose to marry him. I do not have enough reasons to leave him. Also, I am soon going to be the mother of his baby. I so often conveniently forget the fact that this is his baby too. My spinster aspirations of being a single mom have not strayed me. Morever, he is not my soul mate. The idea that I share my baby with him really frightens me. We think so differently and have opposite ideas when it comes to parenting.

I need to love him I know. I cannot leave him. Here are the reasons why I cannot leave even though I sometimes want to run away to Timbuctoo.

1. It is would be unfair to him as he has done nothing that can be possibly be enough a reason to leave him. I also believe that we all reap what we sow, so if I leave today, just because of my mistake in making a practical decision, tomorrow, I may be with someone I really love and he may treat me the same way.

2. He really loves me. Not the way that I would want to be loved, he does not woo me or bring home cards or flowers but he cares. If I leave him, can I find a better deal?

3. He loves our unborn baby whom we call Faith. But I am ready to part with Faith for our happiness. My happiness because I am not happy with him and his happiness because the baby will compensate a little for the void I create in him if I leave him. But is this wise?

I wake up this morning and ask him to say a prayer. We often pray together. He asks me to say it. But I would have liked to hear what he has to say. I try a trick and tell him that he is the head of our family. But, he teases back saying that I am his head. I finally have my say. “Mother Mary, Lord Jesus, thank you for bringing us together”, is all that he manages to say. I try to love him and kiss him all over. I am also trying to be happy. Then, we make love in the morning, but am I really involved? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I just get ready to go to work, leave and lose myself in the office.